Surviving After Suicide

Following article provided by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

"One learns to live with the loss, the tragedy, the waste, and the gaping hole in the fabric of one's life. There is no closure, not would I want one. I want to remember him all my life, vividly; his laughter, the smell of his sneakers under his bed, his moments of joy, his humility, and his integrity."
Susan Storey Lyman, Survivor; Boston, Massachusetts

Coping with the loss of a loved one
Each year, more than 32,000 people in the United States die by suicide. It is this country's 9th leading cause of death. It is estimated that for every suicide, at least six other people - family members, friends, co-workers - are intimately affected, left to survive the terrible loss

These survivors are often left stunned and troubled by the powerful reactions they experience:

Shock is often the immediate reaction to suicide, along with a physical and emotional numbness. These are the ways of temporarily screening out the pain so that it can be experienced in smaller, more manageable steps.
Depression may appear as disturbed sleep, fatigue, inability to concentrate, change in appetite, and the feeling that nothing can make life worth living.
Anger may be part of the grief response, whether directed towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or oneself.
Relief may be a part of the reaction when the suicide followed a long decline into self-destructive behavior and mental anguish.
Guilt often surfaces as the feeling, "If only I had done.", "If only I had said or not said."
Why? Many survivors struggle long and hard with this question

What becomes of these intense, relentless feelings? They usually diminish as months and years pass, although some residual feelings may remain unresolved

Maintaining contact with other people is especially important during the stress-filled months after a loved one's suicide. Friends and relatives may feel uncomfortable and unable to offer consolation. Take the initiative to talk about the suicide and ask for their help; it will also help them.
When you feel ready, share with your family and friends your feelings of loss and pain. Understand that each family member may be grieving in his or her own way.
Children experience many of the feelings of adult grief. Remind them that they are still loved by sharing your thoughts and feelings with them and asking them to share theirs with you.
Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays may be stressful reminders of the suicide. Plan these days to meet your own emotional needs and your family's.
You may need to feel guilty for a while before you can accept that you are not to blame and that you are only human, with human limitations.
It is worth trying to understand the feelings of the deceased, but no one gains when the struggle to understand the suicide becomes the only activity that seems worthwhile.
It is important not only to be able to go on with your life, but eventually to enjoy life again, without feeling that enjoyment is disloyal to the deceased.
The survivors of any death need comfort, support, and trusted listeners with whom they can discuss their grief. The stigma of suicide and the shame, guilt, and blame that people feel can isolate suicide survivors in their grief. Many survivors find their relief in support groups, where they can voice their feelings and learn from the experience of others.
Individual counseling with a mental health professional or clergy member is another option to help survivors through their grief process.

"The death of one's child by whatever cause is devastating. In the case of suicide, the agonizing sense of personal loss is compounded by suddenness. and the act itself, which is unfathomable. The bereaved must struggle not only with terrible grief, but with the anguish of relentless self-doubt as to what responsibility may rest with oneself."
Lyman Treadway, Survivor; Cleveland, Ohio

AFSP AND SURVIVORS
       Since its inception in 1987, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has reached out to survivors for help in accomplishing its mission of preventing suicide through research and education.
       Survivors play a vital role in shaping the Foundation and gathering support for its programs and research. Survivors often become volunteers with the Foundations' chapters; some have founded chapters in communities where none existed.
       The Foundation trains the leaders of suicide survivor support groups, and it continually updates its state-by-state directory of these groups located throughout the country. Articles in the Foundation's Lifesavers newsletter help survivors understand suicide and share how others have learned to cope with their loss.
       Many survivors establish memorial funds at the Foundation, with the proceeds used to underwrite educational programs and research to prevent suicide indirectly helping other families avoid the pain of this tragic loss.
       To learn more about membership in the Foundation, memorial funds, survivor groups in your area, or opportunities to volunteer your services, please call their toll-free number for survivors, (888) 333-AFSP, visit our website at www.afsp.org, or write to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 120 Wall Street, 22nd Floor, New York, NY 10005.

For more information or to register with the Hampton Roads S.O.S. group, call Chris Gilchrist, L.C.S.W., a member of the American Association of Suicidology, at (757) 483-5111.